


Heist Mode

by Lunas_Secret_Lover



Category: National Football League RPF, South Park
Genre: Adventure, Comedy, Gay, M/M, Slash, Story, creek - Freeform, south park - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-24 10:30:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10739871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunas_Secret_Lover/pseuds/Lunas_Secret_Lover
Summary: "I hate to say it, but for once I agree with Cartman.  We have to kill Beast Mode"The boys learn of a recent trade that could damage the Broncos' chances.  Together, they realize exactly what they have to do to save their favorite sports franchise and make John Elway proud.





	Heist Mode

Tweek shook his head at Cartman in disbelief. “You-err, you want to do WHAT? Gah!”

The fat boy stared him down calmly, evidently sure of his plan. “We have to kill Beast Mode, Tweek. It’s the only way we can give the Broncos a chance this year. You and Craig are the toughest guys we know. You might be the only chance we’ve got.”

“AH!” he shrieked, eyes darting wildly between Cartman, Stan and Kyle.

“The fatass is right, Tweek.”

“Ey! I’m not fat, I’m big boned.”

“Whatever, fatass. Tweek, we have to do this. Marshawn Lynch is going to be driving through Colorado tomorrow. We have to give the rest of the Broncos a chance. I mean what do we have? Trevor Siemian? He’s inexperienced, and right now he totally sucks ass. Von Miller can’t carry the team on his own. We have to face it. The Raiders are going to destroy us this year unless we sabotage them. We have two games against them. That could make or break our season record.” Kyle’s voice started to break. “And I can’t. I can NOT listen to my California relatives talk about how Derek Carr is the best quarterback since Elway. I just can’t.”

Cartman patted Kyle on the back in reassurance. “Tweek, it’s up to us. We need you and your boyfriend if we’re going to be able to do this. Are you in?”

“Gah, Idunno! Way. Too. Much. PRESSURE!” Tweek wrung his hands frantically.

“Tweek, calm down,” Stan said, exasperated. “Look, we need you to agree to do this so that Craig will do it. Because we all know he won’t have anything to do with us unless you’re involved.”

“Come on, Tweek, stop being such a pussy and do it.”

“Kahl, don’t use the word pussy. It shames women. And remember, they are really smart, and really funny, so we don’t want to get on their bad side.”

“Fuck off, Cartman,” Kyle said. “Tweek, I will give you my allowance for the next year if you help us do this.”

Tweek thought it over, looking between the three boys. “Gah, alright, I’ll do it.”

“Alright!”

 

“Good on you, Tweek.”

“Tweek, in my opinion you now suck a little less.” Tweek tried to take in a few deep breaths, anything to slow his heart rate down as they cheered him on.

“I, uh, I need some coffee!” 

“That’s ok, Tweek, just meet us back here tomorrow morning and we can talk about the plan. Make sure you bring Craig.”

Tweek ran off, looking over his shoulder every few steps to make sure he wasn’t being followed. He ran straight to Craig’s house and banged on the door, gasping for air. Craig’s dad answered, and stared him down looking uncomfortable.

“Oh, er, hi, Tweek. I guess you’re probably here to see Craig, huh?”

“AH! Hi, Mr. Tucker. Is he here?”

“Yeah, he’s just upstairs. Umm listen, Tweek, I just want to say you’re really brave and I’m glad my son met you. Here’s some money.”

“Er, thanks, Mr. Tucker. Gah!” Tweek’s hand twitched as he reached out to take the money, and he hurried upstairs before anyone else could try to talk to him. He knocked on Craig’s door, and waited tapping his foot impatiently for what seemed like a millennium for Craig to open it. Finally, the door opened to reveal a disheveled Craig holding a guinea pig.

“What,” Craig asked monotonically as he stroked Stripes.

“Gah, I need to talk to you. Can I come in?”

“Sure, Tweek,” Craig said, moving to let him in. “So what’s up?”

“CARTMAN- err, Cartman and Kyle got to me, they want me to, AH! They want us to help them.”

“Tweek,” Craig said with a sigh, putting Stripe in his cage. He stood next to his shivering boyfriend and put an arm around him. “Whenever we get involved with those guys, bad shit happens that we’d be happier without. Why did you talk to them?”

“I DIDN’T TALK TO THEM, DUDE,” Tweek protested. “GAH! Cartman talked to me. They say they need us. It’s really important. Craig, but Craig they want us to AH! They want us to- GUH!” 

Craig waited patiently while Tweek thought of a way to get the sentence out. “They-they want us to kill Ma-Marshawn Lynch. To give the Broncos a better chance.”

Craig raised an eyebrow. Tweek stared at him in horror. This was the most emotion Craig had showed around him in weeks and he wasn’t even sure why it was happening.

“They want us to help them kill Marshawn Lynch?” Tweek nodded frantically. “Alright.”

“W-What? AH!”

“Alright. I’ll do it. What’s the plan?”

“Wh-Why? What?” Tweek gasped. He had been hoping that Craig would talk him out of the crazy plan Cartman and his gang had come up with, not agree to join them almost immediately.

“Three years ago, Tweek. I had a bet on the Broncos to win the superbowl.” He sighed, sinking into his couch. “By the end of the second half, I-I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I could have let it go. Beast Mode just scored one of those touchdowns after all. But then after the game, he-he secretly came to South Park, you see? He knew my mom in high school. That wouldn’t have been so bad either. I mean, I don’t care about my mom, right.”

Craig turned towards the window, staring a thousand miles away, then squeezed his eyes shut at the painful memory. He continued flatly, “It lasted for hours. My dad was away on a business trip. I heard Lynch tell my mom… that the bedroom was why he was REALLY called Beast Mode. God, the sounds they made...

“That would have been fine too, Tweek. So my mom’s a dirty whore who fucks NFL stars. Who cares? But when he was done, he sat my sister and I down. He. He stared me straight in the eyes. And he told me that the Seahawks will always fuck the Broncos right in the ass. Like he did to my mother. Then he left. I hate him, Tweek. I have hated him since that day and I’ll hate him until the day he dies. No one rapes the Broncos in the ass like the Seahawks did that day. And Beast Mode represents everything the Seahawks stand for. I hate to say it, but for once I agree with Cartman. We have to kill Beast Mode.” 

Tweek stared at his boyfriend in utter shock. He had never heard him talk that much, and he still wasn’t exactly sure why Craig hate Lynch that badly. “W-well. If you think we should do it, we can do it. But he isn’t a Seahawk anymore-gAh!”

“No,” Craig said. “No he’s something far worse. He’s a Raider.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tweek didn’t sleep much that night. His dreams were full of Raiders fans with eyepatches hunting him down to make him pay for stealing their Super Bowl win. The ghost of Marshawn Lynch darted in front of him once or twice, glaring at him in disapproval and drinking his coffee, all while fucking his mother with beastial noises. He awoke in a cold sweat, screaming. His parents were used to this by now, though and didn’t try to check on him. He got dressed as quickly as he could, and walked to the school to meet the other boys. Kyle and Craig were already there, and Tweek stood next to Craig, surreptitiously taking his hand to ground himself. Craig gave his hand a squeeze, and gave Tweek a rare smile, which he returned with twitching lips.

Cartman and Stan appeared a few minutes later. Cartman huffed as he stood in front of them, hands on his hips.

“Alright, it looks like we have everyone here which is kewwl. Hi, Craig.” Craig flipped him off, face impassive as he waited for the larger boy to get to the point. “So here’s the plan. The car will pass through South Park at 10:56 a.m. It will be inside city limits for approximately nine minutes. We have a four minute window that is out of sight of all of the shops and homes, so we don’t get in trouble. Right by Kenny’s house. But his family’s so poor they’ll be warming their hands around the T.V” 

Cartman chuckled at his own joke. “So one of us, Kahl, will have to sacrifice himself and get run over by the car. Kahl will throw himself in front of the car at approximately 11:01 a.m, at which point-”

“I’m not throwing myself in front of the car, fat boy.”

“You have to, you stupid jew! You want him dead as much as anybody!”

“I’ll just pretend like I need help. Like lay down in the road or something so he sees me before he hits me.”

“Fine,” Cartman said, looking disappointed. “Then Kahl will jew his way out of being a martyr and get the car to stop. Now I don’t know if any of you have noticed this, but Marshawn Lynch is a pretty big guy.”

The other four exchanged glances. “There’s no way we will be able to physically overpower him. So instead, we will all come out of the bushes, pretending to be fans, and ask for his autograph. Inside each of our pens will be a small syringe filled with horse tranquilizer I stole from the vet. We will each stab Marshawn with these pens, and hope he doesn’t have time to kill us before he’s knocked out. Once he is passed out, we will throw his body into the river and let him drown, making his death seem like a drug trip gone wrong.”

“That’s… actually pretty smart,” Stan admitted. “But what do we do with the car?”

“Well, we throw the needles in the car so it looks like he did it himself.”

“Ok.” Everyone looked at Craig.

“That’s it, Craig? No smart-ass remark? No ‘you guys are dicks?’”

“No,” he said. 

“Well, alright, that’s great. Let’s go.” 

The trek to Kenny’s house took forever. Tweek couldn’t stop his trembling, even with Craig’s hand in his, which usually calmed him down. Finally they made it.

“Alright, 10:59. Looks like we’re right on time. Kahl, go stand in the road.”

“Fine,” Kyle said, striding to the middle of the road and taking a seat. Kenny’s face appeared in the window, and a moment later he was outside.

“Mmmf Mmmf. Mmggg mmmp?”

“Oh hey, Kenny. We’re killing Marshawn Lynch,” Stan said. Kenny’s eyebrows shot together.

“Mmmll mmmmp? Mmmhmmm nuhhhmm!” 

Cartman sighed. “Kenny, we know he’s a good player. That’s why we’re doing this. We have to get rid of him so the Broncos have a chance.”

“MMPHHHMMM MMMHMHMM!”

 

“No, Trevor Siemian isn’t going to be good this year,” Cartman said with a chuckle. “C’mon, Kinny, we have to do this. Now help us or go back inside.”

“Mmmhmmk mmmmp!”

“Kinnnnnyyyy,” Eric whined as Kenny pushed him towards the house. He gave Kenny a big shove, which pushed him into the road just in time to get run over by a large, sporty-looking black car.

“Oh my god,” Stan cried, “They killed Kenny!”

“You bastards!” Kyle shouted, shaking his fist at the car. A large black man stepped out of the vehicle looking distraught.

“Oh. Oh my god, I am so sorry. I didn’t see him-”

“Forget the plan, boys,” Cartman said, an evil glint in his eyes, “Stab him.”

The boys jumped onto the large football player’s back and began stabbing at him with their pens, grunting as they did so. Marshawn Lynch stared at them in bemusement, raising his arms to try to shoo them off. Suddenly Cartman stopped, looking worried.

“Uh-oh.”

“What-oh?” Craig asked.

“Umm- cough- someone may have forgotten to fill the pens with the, err, tranquilizer.”

“Tranquilizer?” Beast Mode yelled. “Oh hell, no. You fucking Broncos fans. Did you know you’re the third group to try to kill me today? You know, I used to admire the Broncos. They were a pretty good team, even though we destroyed them a few years ago. But now. I will make Siemian my personal bitch. Your men will bend over for me and beg me to fuck them by the time I’m done. Fuck this shit.”

With that, the man got back into his car and sped away, leaving the five frustrated boys in the dust. Stan looked at them all, then turned and threw up all over the road, before leading them home in a walk of shame.


End file.
